Oh Grief

As we said our goodbyes to Will, my mom thought we should have some pictures. We knew they wouldn’t be glamorous. We went through so many boxes of tissues that weekend. I’m glad we took a couple though.

It was a traumatic weekend. I know I was prompted by the Holy Ghost to check on Will that Saturday afternoon. In my eyes I believe it was my last chance to serve my brother.
Watching Will being loaded into an ambulance was hard. Saying goodbye to him was even harder.
I’m blessed with the knowledge to know I will see Will again and my many family members who have passed away.  It gives me some peace knowing Will is being taken care of in Heaven. I’m positive he’s interviewed LaVell Edwards and many other famous people already.
We grew up watching LaVell coach, He’s famous to the Betenson grandkids. I’ve listened to a little sports radio since Will’s passing....oddly it helps me feel closer to Will. Sports will always remind of my brother.

One of the hardest things in this grieving process is the day to day. I’m happy to report I haven’t cried over wrappers or Will’s dirty socks recently. I’ve missed him though. I want to ask who some sports guy is, what he thinks about the jazz trades, and if he has new pictures of Sully.  I’ve shied away from talking to many people because sometimes the questions are too hard. I don’t know how I’m doing....so I can’t really answer the question. I’m okay for a little bit and then I’m not. That’s the thing with grief it’s ongoing.
I’m so grateful for those who’ve been there for me Listening to me complain, or laugh at my antics. Or just texting me to check on me.  Especially supporting me through the hardest summer of my life. Thank goodness for High Fitness, swimming pools and restaurants to make me food. I have little desire to prepare a meal. I’ve been surviving on exercise endorphins and restful moments in the pool.

For some reason I take pictures and let people video me when I’m nice and sweaty. I’ve loved going to workout with friends. Especially because I’ve been making new friends....which seems normal for me but once you lose a brother nothing is normal.

I love the words from Will’s boss at Air O Fastners

It makes my heart happy to know that people saw and knew the Will I loved. The jokester and the soft hearted guy that he is. They described him so well. 

Thanks for reading these random thoughts of mine. 

Last but not least Happy Birthday to my favorite Nephew Wyatt! He’s the cutest and has brought a lot of joy to our sad hearts. 

                                                          Wyatt in his Hanbok, 한복

4 weeks

It’s been 4 horrible weeks since Will was taken by ambulance to the Layton Hospital. 4 weeks since he was life flighted to his least favorite city Ogden. 4 weeks without his laugh, jokes and smile.
This morning I listened to 1280’s recording of Will’s co workers talking about him the day after his passing. I’ve put it off for days, but felt like I just needed to do it today.

We are blessed to have voice recordings of Will, some from his radio days and a few from voicemails he left us. Who would have thought in 2008 when Will started an internship at 1280, he’d gain friends for life. I remember in the early years of his career I went to a remote location and met Jan Jorgensen and Kyle Gunther. Will was not pleased with me, he didn’t want his big sister meeting people haha. After Will passed I met and spoke with many of his coworkers and radio friends. I got the last laugh because I now know so many of them. That may sound weird but Will, my siblings and I were raised with laughter. Our dad, Howard, is constantly joking and teasing. My mom is witty and you never know when she’ll crack a joke.
Will was always cracking jokes.

I always go back to these words written by Sean/OC. Will really was hilarious. Early in Sean’s tribute he talks about how Will was a master story teller. I remember listening to Will tell stories in the radio and even though I knew the outcome I loved listening. Will was a character and I think that’s what I am missing most. Laughter can be healing and it definitely helped  the first week of losing Will. 

After the funeral ends and the adrenaline has faded reality sets in. I’m not loving this reality. I keep waiting to have Will come in the door or tell me dinner is ready. Or ask me if I want something from 7-11. It’s been over a month since I’ve been to 7-11...I have no desire to go inside. I love slurpees but the Kaysville 7-11 will always remind me of Will grabbing his morning Mtn Dew or a snack. 

I never thought I’d be saying goodbye to my brother on my 36th birthday. When we came home from the hospital on the 22nd we knew Will wasn’t going to last much longer. I selfishly wanted to postpone his passing for a day other than my birthday.   As Sunday the 23rd happened we were  able to  gather many of Will’s friends to say goodbye. When Will passed on to heaven he was surrounded by those who loved him, Friends from his jr high days, high school, and newer friends. We were lucky enough to have all 6 Smith siblings in the room. That doesn’t happen often anymore. It was comforting to be surrounded by so many people who loved Will. 

That’s what I’m going to remember my lovable, annoying funny brother Will having friends from all walks of life. 

Will was loved and that’s what matters most to me. 

Grief

It’s been 2 weeks since I said Goodbye to my brother Will. It’s been a really hard 2 weeks. I’ll never hear Will crack a stupid joke, try and convince Amy to make him a meal or see his face light up when he saw his daughter.

Grief is an ongoing roller coaster. One minute I’m perfectly fine and the next I’m crying over Will’s dirty socks on the floor.   I had a lot of peace after Will passed because I knew he was with Pop and he was happy.  But now as the 2nd week ends it’s not that easy. I think about the adventures Will is missing out on. I even miss Will’s snoring and he snored loud.

I do have some things to be grateful for.
I know I will see Will again. I hope he knows how much I love him. I wish I would have helped him more and shown more love.  I hate the guilt associated with that....but I’m hoping he knows I love him.
It’s also nice to have another Angel in heaven watching over me and our family.
I am most grateful for the impact Will left on others.   Many listeners, friends and co workers have reached out to tell us how wonderful Will was. He was a friend to all. Even the 7-11 workers...who have probably been missing him dearly.
Will’s friend Ben said it best, “Will had a gift for interacting with complete strangers and making them feel comfortable.”  I’m proud to say he’s my brother. I miss him so much but his legend with always live on in my heart and memories.

Maybe BYU football will have a fantastic season because Grandpa and Will are cheering from Heaven.