6 Months

Next week we hit 6 months without Will. It is easy to remember the date since it's my birthday. I am sure Will would have changed the day he passed away if he had the power. He wouldn't have wanted something so tragic to happen on my birthday.  I've always loved birthdays even though I usually have too high of hopes haha. What can you do?

We hope to order Will's headstone this Christmas Break. Life has been busy and choosing something to mark Will's resting place.  A co worker of Will's found a video of Will pretending to be Santa. He talks about visiting the naughty list people. He wants to deliver them coal. Will loved talking about delivering coal. He is a comedian through and through.

Will loved to do anything he could to make people laugh. He had no problem being the brunt of people's jokes. He took it in stride. He told embarrassing stories about himself on the radio. He went to an MMA fight and was escorted out by a female security guard. His listeners loved to hear the stories.

Because Will and I are only 4 years apart we grew up doing a lot together. We were the first grand kids on the Betenson side. We were spoiled rotten and we loved it! Will and I were able to go on trips with the grandparents, visit places we'd never seen.

This Holiday season I need to focus on the good and the wonderful memories I have with Will. One of my favorite memories is Will coming home with a huge Fisher Price Farm for his daughter Sullivan. I was with him when she unwrapped it. She loved it and listening to hear make the animal sounds was amazing. Will did everything he could to be a good dad. I am glad he can watch over Sullivan daily.

Do you have a favorite memory of Will?




I am looking forward to spending some down time with my family. Hopefully it will snow so it at least will be pretty outside.

I plan to go to the movies, sleep in, make whatever I want for breakfast and NOT EAT SCHOOL LUNCH......I am most excited about that!

Missing

I’ve tried really hard not to write too many gloomy posts.
I hate reading them on Facebook or Instagram even though they are real life.

Last night as I was falling asleep I thought about finding Will unconscious. I’m afraid that’s an image that may never leave my mind. Just writing this makes me tear up. Last night I tried to focus on how Will is happy and free from his demons. But man it’s so hard. But I have a lot to be grateful for.

I have friends and family who care about me. 16 students who need me. Past students who have made  a big impact on my life. Plus cute Wyatt!

He’s pretty easy to love. And I can’t get over how cute he is!

I’m grateful for my High Fitness classes that help motivate me and the wonderful friends I’ve made in class. I’m especially grateful for my friend Andrew. We became better friends this spring. I know without a doubt Heavenly Father put Andrew in my life because he knew I’d need comedic relief this summer. When we knew Will would not be on this earth much longer Andrew helped me contact Will’s friends.  And I can’t forget to mention how I love Andrew’s kitchen. It’s beautiful and one of my favorite places to bake.


This thankful season I have a lot to be grateful for...just wish Will was here to celebrate with us.

August

Yesterday marked 2 months since Will’s passing. I don’t think I will ever forget the day Will passed away. It’ll be a day of celebrating Will and maybe my birthday. It’s weird to think Will’s only been gone for 2 months. Some days it feels like yesterday and other days it seems like he’s been gone forever.
I started a new job 3 weeks ago. I’m working with preschoolers, but with a different program. I am so grateful for a change of pace and an opportunity to help these children. I’m working with the Head Start program..my bestie Amanda worked for 2 years trying to get me to join her.  Thankfully the program had an opening that fit perfectly with what I needed. I know Heavenly Father has been looking out for me.

Bec received this painting from her friends. Some days it brings me a lot of joy and peace. This week I just cry over it. I miss my brother. Football season has started and lots of things remind me of Will. I’ve been trying to focus on the good, but this weekend I’m just going to let the tears out. I can’t help but think of darling 2 yr old Sullivan missing out on Dad time. Oh how I wish for one more day of Will enjoying time with his daughter. Thankfully we have lots of pictures and stories to tell Sully when she’s older. 

There is a reason why this blog has ramblings in the title....that’s what I’m doing right now. 

On August 28th Will would have been 32. It’s the first week of school so I’m positive I’ll stay busy. Will didn’t really love birthdays. He didn’t like the fanfare or attention. 

On Wednesday say hi to a stranger, give a sincere compliment, call your mom or a friend you haven’t talked to in awhile. Do things that remind you of Will. This is the best way to honor him in my opinion.  

I’ll be making Peanut Butter Fingers (one of Will’s favorite treats) in his honor. Text me if you’d like one. If I’ve learned anything this summer it’s that I can do hard things. Life is hard but we can also find a lot of joy! 

Oh Grief

As we said our goodbyes to Will, my mom thought we should have some pictures. We knew they wouldn’t be glamorous. We went through so many boxes of tissues that weekend. I’m glad we took a couple though.

It was a traumatic weekend. I know I was prompted by the Holy Ghost to check on Will that Saturday afternoon. In my eyes I believe it was my last chance to serve my brother.
Watching Will being loaded into an ambulance was hard. Saying goodbye to him was even harder.
I’m blessed with the knowledge to know I will see Will again and my many family members who have passed away.  It gives me some peace knowing Will is being taken care of in Heaven. I’m positive he’s interviewed LaVell Edwards and many other famous people already.
We grew up watching LaVell coach, He’s famous to the Betenson grandkids. I’ve listened to a little sports radio since Will’s passing....oddly it helps me feel closer to Will. Sports will always remind of my brother.

One of the hardest things in this grieving process is the day to day. I’m happy to report I haven’t cried over wrappers or Will’s dirty socks recently. I’ve missed him though. I want to ask who some sports guy is, what he thinks about the jazz trades, and if he has new pictures of Sully.  I’ve shied away from talking to many people because sometimes the questions are too hard. I don’t know how I’m doing....so I can’t really answer the question. I’m okay for a little bit and then I’m not. That’s the thing with grief it’s ongoing.
I’m so grateful for those who’ve been there for me Listening to me complain, or laugh at my antics. Or just texting me to check on me.  Especially supporting me through the hardest summer of my life. Thank goodness for High Fitness, swimming pools and restaurants to make me food. I have little desire to prepare a meal. I’ve been surviving on exercise endorphins and restful moments in the pool.

For some reason I take pictures and let people video me when I’m nice and sweaty. I’ve loved going to workout with friends. Especially because I’ve been making new friends....which seems normal for me but once you lose a brother nothing is normal.

I love the words from Will’s boss at Air O Fastners

It makes my heart happy to know that people saw and knew the Will I loved. The jokester and the soft hearted guy that he is. They described him so well. 

Thanks for reading these random thoughts of mine. 

Last but not least Happy Birthday to my favorite Nephew Wyatt! He’s the cutest and has brought a lot of joy to our sad hearts. 

                                                          Wyatt in his Hanbok, 한복

4 weeks

It’s been 4 horrible weeks since Will was taken by ambulance to the Layton Hospital. 4 weeks since he was life flighted to his least favorite city Ogden. 4 weeks without his laugh, jokes and smile.
This morning I listened to 1280’s recording of Will’s co workers talking about him the day after his passing. I’ve put it off for days, but felt like I just needed to do it today.

We are blessed to have voice recordings of Will, some from his radio days and a few from voicemails he left us. Who would have thought in 2008 when Will started an internship at 1280, he’d gain friends for life. I remember in the early years of his career I went to a remote location and met Jan Jorgensen and Kyle Gunther. Will was not pleased with me, he didn’t want his big sister meeting people haha. After Will passed I met and spoke with many of his coworkers and radio friends. I got the last laugh because I now know so many of them. That may sound weird but Will, my siblings and I were raised with laughter. Our dad, Howard, is constantly joking and teasing. My mom is witty and you never know when she’ll crack a joke.
Will was always cracking jokes.

I always go back to these words written by Sean/OC. Will really was hilarious. Early in Sean’s tribute he talks about how Will was a master story teller. I remember listening to Will tell stories in the radio and even though I knew the outcome I loved listening. Will was a character and I think that’s what I am missing most. Laughter can be healing and it definitely helped  the first week of losing Will. 

After the funeral ends and the adrenaline has faded reality sets in. I’m not loving this reality. I keep waiting to have Will come in the door or tell me dinner is ready. Or ask me if I want something from 7-11. It’s been over a month since I’ve been to 7-11...I have no desire to go inside. I love slurpees but the Kaysville 7-11 will always remind me of Will grabbing his morning Mtn Dew or a snack. 

I never thought I’d be saying goodbye to my brother on my 36th birthday. When we came home from the hospital on the 22nd we knew Will wasn’t going to last much longer. I selfishly wanted to postpone his passing for a day other than my birthday.   As Sunday the 23rd happened we were  able to  gather many of Will’s friends to say goodbye. When Will passed on to heaven he was surrounded by those who loved him, Friends from his jr high days, high school, and newer friends. We were lucky enough to have all 6 Smith siblings in the room. That doesn’t happen often anymore. It was comforting to be surrounded by so many people who loved Will. 

That’s what I’m going to remember my lovable, annoying funny brother Will having friends from all walks of life. 

Will was loved and that’s what matters most to me. 

Grief

It’s been 2 weeks since I said Goodbye to my brother Will. It’s been a really hard 2 weeks. I’ll never hear Will crack a stupid joke, try and convince Amy to make him a meal or see his face light up when he saw his daughter.

Grief is an ongoing roller coaster. One minute I’m perfectly fine and the next I’m crying over Will’s dirty socks on the floor.   I had a lot of peace after Will passed because I knew he was with Pop and he was happy.  But now as the 2nd week ends it’s not that easy. I think about the adventures Will is missing out on. I even miss Will’s snoring and he snored loud.

I do have some things to be grateful for.
I know I will see Will again. I hope he knows how much I love him. I wish I would have helped him more and shown more love.  I hate the guilt associated with that....but I’m hoping he knows I love him.
It’s also nice to have another Angel in heaven watching over me and our family.
I am most grateful for the impact Will left on others.   Many listeners, friends and co workers have reached out to tell us how wonderful Will was. He was a friend to all. Even the 7-11 workers...who have probably been missing him dearly.
Will’s friend Ben said it best, “Will had a gift for interacting with complete strangers and making them feel comfortable.”  I’m proud to say he’s my brother. I miss him so much but his legend with always live on in my heart and memories.

Maybe BYU football will have a fantastic season because Grandpa and Will are cheering from Heaven.